Right now, for example, I should be catching up on all the reading I have neglected or at least starting to pack for Thanksgiving break, but it's becoming hard to find motivation. Last year at this time I would have just attended my pre-departure orientation where I felt so confident, so excited, so ready for a crazy adventure. I also met my italian "friend" at this time and memories of so much new-ness have been infiltrating my every thought. I miss having something to look forward to instead of this huge vast, daunting future where all I can see are negative dollar signs for massive debt I'll have to pay off and lost independence living at home and more years of schooling. All I want to do now is TRAVEL.
I feel that your 20's are the most appropriate time to travel because you have such trivial worries holding you back (usually). I don't want to spend these next years buried in books and competing with others for a job I will most likely have the rest of my life. I want to be selfish. I want to travel and see everything there is to see out there! I want to meet unique people and learn about their unique customs. But I also want to help others less fortunate than me. I want to teach english in South or Central America. I want to snorkel in the bluest oceans. I want to dance with people unlike me in every way. I want to zipline, touch a stingray, stand under a waterfall, see exotic animals up close instead of on the TV, eat weird things, have perfect Spanish, and once again have no worry in the world. I want to live fully in the present and enjoy life, like what happened in Italy. My new goal is to teach english in a Spanish speaking country, while making money to start paying off my loans, before starting back up with grad school.
Before studying abroad I was all about achieving things as fast as possible. I would never have thought I'd be taking a year off or wanting to teach in a foreign country. Now, however, I see how stuck people can get in their same routines and how boring life can get when that happens. In my Feelings and Emotions course, we've learned all about happiness and one of the best ways to be happy is through "intermittent reinforcement". Aka spicing things up. I will always travel, that I am absolutely sure of, and without that spice in life, I fear things will become so monotonous.
It freaks me out thinking about my future. I just want to back away for a little bit and go on my own and discover even more of myself that is out there. I don't want to be held down or pressured in anyway. I don't want to compete and stress.
Pulling myself back now. I am a senior in college and I want SO badly to be enjoying this last year in Santa Cruz as much as I can. And I really making an effort and I truly am enjoying everything I am doing here, but I can't help to compare! My mind and the past are like two magnets of the same charge, they only stay centered when I am firmly holding them there but the second I let go my past zips here and there. I need to stay focused on the PRESENT because it is awesome. Just different than before, that's all. This year is just filled with so many conflicting thoughts and concerns for the future. It's becoming near impossible to push these worries aside because they are so real and so close in time. I know everything always has a way of working itself out as it should in the end. I keep reminding myself of this. I also know I've already had an amazing opportunity to travel all around Europe, something the majority of people will never do in their lifetime. Again, this is something I so easily forget because I just want to do it again and again! But maybe I need to look at reality head on and realize that yes, I will most definitely travel again, but I just might have to wait a little longer than I'd like. Sigh.
Well, as I've learned in my Feelings and Emotions course, writing things down is a form of therapy and makes people happier. I do feel a bit lighter having spewed my every thought all over the place and I truly hope many of these feelings at least calm themselves down soon. I never go a day without thinking about my time in Europe. What a truly life-changing experience!!! And now my job is to convince people to study abroad (something I would do for free and something I find SO much joy in), which is awesome but sort of sad at the same time because I can't help but wish to be in their place.
Some pictures of this quarter (Study abroad coworkers, best friends, softball team):
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